GOOD BUY, CHARLIE

       I look at poor dead Charlie and think how fabulous I look as his widow.

"Doesn't Charlie look natural."

I can thank Charlie for demanding that I lose weight. Otherwise, I never would have fit into this little black dress. Its deep neckline accentuates my cleavage, which swells ever so softly as I sob for poor dead Charlie.

"Poor Marsha. She must be devastated by Charlie's death. He was so young to have a heart attack."

One look at this dress and I knew Charlie would have loved it. It's a style he appreciated so often on other women ... young women. I have never spent $850 on a single piece of clothing in my entire life. However, since it was for Charlie, I bought it.

"Imagine how devastated Marsha must have felt finding Charlie like that!"

Of course, once I bought the dress, I had to have shoes and handbag to match. After all, I had nothing even remotely suitable to go with such a dress. The black Italian made stilettos and handbag were $1,750.

"I heard she found him with another woman. His slut du jour, no doubt."

My mourning lingerie from Victoria's Secret cost $370: sheer black stockings (with seams!), a black bikini, and a black lace bustier, something my mother used to call a merry widow. How apropos.

"Marsha walked right in on them ... in the act! The shock must have been too much for Charlie because he died right there on top of that little whore Connie."

My large brimmed black hat and a pair of black gloves were another $380.

"One of the paramedics told me that when Charlie died, Big Chuck became so engorged he became stuck in Connie!"

My costume jewelry just wouldn't do. Oh, no. So I bought a pair of diamond line stud earrings for another $7,500.

"He said that Connie was pinned underneath Charlie's weight. She couldn't push him off because they were stuck together. He said she could barely move."

Having spent $10,850 thus far, I figured I might as well look as though I belonged in the clothes. So I made an appointment with Mr. Maurice. Hair, facial, manicure, pedicure, and makeup. We both agreed that ruby red lipstick, a color Charlie had often noticed other women wearing, was not too ostentatious for a funeral.

"I heard that Marsha just stood there watching as that hysterical twit struggled beneath Charlie. She begged for Marsha's help, but Marsha turned and walked away leaving the little bitch to fend for herself. Connie told the paramedics that it took her quite a while to wriggle close enough to reach the phone on the nightstand."

And while I was there, Maurice talked me into a massage. He reminded me how terribly tense I surely must have been having been the one to actually find poor Charlie. And I simply couldn't be tense for poor Charlie's funeral.

"Marsha is putting up such a brave front, considering the circumstances. My, doesn't she look lovely today."

I never would have thought I could have afforded such luxuries had I not discovered another bank account safely tucked away. I never realized how much we were worth.

"Poor Marsha must be simply devastated."

So here I sit at poor Charlie's funeral, managing an occasional tear to trickle gently down my cheek, nodding at the well-wishers as they file by, looking like the vulnerable grieving widow.

"Poor Marsha. How will she ever manage?"

Funerals are terribly expensive these days, but they're worth it.

******

PACKING FOR CARKOON

 

Janet Reid's The Bon Voyage Party for Tim Lowe Flash Fiction Contest

From Tim Lowe:

 

"I spent part of my day locating old FF entries in my mountain of unorganized Google docs.

 

"Miss those -- they really sharpened the brain, became a great outlet, a wonderful diversion. The last one (as yet still in Preliminary results stage, unless I missed it) was a much-needed distraction from the skull-splitting boredom of a Covid isolation last January.

"No, I don't have a point. Yes, I just booked a one-way trip to you-know-where."

 Indeed we do know where.

 

Let's give Tim something good to read while he's squashed in the middle seat between not one but TWO howling infants, and the seat in front of him is occupied by someone intent on reclining 90 degrees, and the snack tray involves kale chips.

 

The usual rules apply:

 

1. Write a story using 100 words or fewer.

2. Use these words in the story: fork, knife, spoon, dish, place.

 

If you are Steve Forti, or want to be, you must include this extra prompt word: bye bye.

 

3. You must use the whole word, but that whole word can be part of a larger word. The letters for the prompt must appear in consecutive order. They cannot be backwards.

 

7. Titles count as part of the word count (you don't need a title.)

 

12. You agree that your contest entry can remain posted on the blog for the life of the blog. In other words, you can't ask me to delete the entry and any comments about the entry at a later date.

 

Contest opens: 10am Saturday 10/21/23  ~~  Contest closes: 10am Sunday 10/22/23

My Entry

“Did you pack all of my underwear?” asked Tim. “You know how kale affects me.”

“Yes, I packed it all,” she said. “What’s the name of that place again?”

“Carkoon.”

“Cartoon?”

“CarKOON,” said Tim. “I didn’t see my fork in my duffle bag.”

“It’s in there.”

“Did you pack my knife?”

“Of course I did!”

“You packed all of my utensils?”

“YES! THEY’RE ALL IN THERE!”

“Then where ARE they?”

“I don’t know. Hey, maybe the dish ran away with the spoon!  Bye bye, Steve,” she said, as she pushed Tim out the door.

“Steve? Who the hell is Steve?”

.....

And the winner is:  Not I, but I didn't expect to win.  Getting a mention would have been nice though. 

.....

PROLOGUE OR NO LOGUE?

 The Change It Up Flash Fiction contest!

Janet Reid:  Long time blog reader Kitty Myers and I had a quick exchange about prologues/usefulness thereof, and I had a light bulb moment.

How about we have a flash fiction contest that isn't prompt words, but a prompt concept? To wit: Write something that creates tension, and makes us want to know more.

The usual rules apply:

      1. Write something that grabs us and creates tension in 100 words or fewer.

4. Post the entry in the comment column of THIS blog post.

5. One entry per person. If you need a mulligan (a do-over) erase your entry and post again. 

Contest opens: Saturday, 9/17/22 10:00am EDT  ~~  Contest closes: Sunday, 9/18/22 10:00am EDT

About my entry...

My entry is the prologue to a story I wrote called "I'm Clicking My Ruby Red Shoes." It's 16,000 words, which is the second longest piece of fiction I've written. It's about 34 y-0 Susie Maguire who has her hands full with the people in her life. When her psychologist told her, “Susie is a cutesy name… for your mature years,” she vowed she’d never see him again. Then he ended up alone in life and in the hospital. She took pity on him and began visiting him, and that’s when they both began to heal. 

(My entry is 50 words.)

My Entry:

My fifteen-year-old son Donovan told his teacher I had been killed.

My fourteen-year-old daughter Erin chugs Maalox.

 My husband Jack is preoccupied,

 my mother Grace is aloof,

 my Grandmother Whitney is dying,

 and my psychologist Eugene refuses to say my first name.

 So I talk to Mrs. Nussbaum, who’s dead.

 

***** 

Two neighbor ladies rockin’ on the porch…

Janet Reid is runnin' another Flash Fiction Contest!
My clients have learned to fear email from me that has the subject line: I have this idea! I revised that from "I have this great idea" several years back when I realized I should let them decide if it was great or not.

So, I have this idea! Instead of prompt words, how about a choice of three prompt sentences? (great, right??)

These rules apply:
1. Write a story using 100 words or fewer.
2. Use one of these prompts in the story. It does not have to be the start or the finish, BUT the words must be in order. You don't need to include the author of the phrases.

1)  when you spot an orchid cactus at the grocery store, you bring it home.—Luralee

2) "Do the laundry or die!" —french sojourn (Henry) 

          3)  holy cow, that's a lot of empties. —nightmusic (Althea)

3. Post the entry in the comment column of THIS blog post.

Contest opens:  9am, Saturday, 7/4/20  ~~ Contest closes: 9am, Sunday, 7/5/20

My Entry:

Two neighbor ladies rockin’ on the porch…

Mable: “Sweet Jesus, you killed another plant.”

Erline: “Luralee bought it at the Piggly Wiggly, claims I tol’ her when you spot an orchid cactus at the grocery store, you bring it home. I never said no such thing. She’s just tryin’ to wiggle out of doin’ the shoppin’.   Pardon me… HENRY,  DO THE LAUNDRY OR DIE!”

Althea lugs a basket of bottles to the curb. “Recyclin’ things are out, Mama.”

Mable: “Holy cow, that’s a lot of empties.”

Erline: “Raisin’ three youngins is hard work. Is it any wonder I drink?”

****

No winner yet -- Janet wants the Reiders' input first -- but I did get Kudos for using all three prompts. 

CABIN FEVER CATASTROPHE ON A WINTER'S DAY

Janet Reid's Back to Brooklyn writing contest

I was ensconced with Her Grace the Duchess of Yowl for three weeks, and then with Intern Ty for this past week. Needless to say, I'm quite blue at the prospect of being furrless after Sunday. Thus, a writing contest is needed. Nothing is more fun than seeing what you guyz do with prompt words.

The usual rules apply:

1. Write a story using 100 words or fewer.

2. Use these words in the story: cat claw hork purr  snore

To compete for the Steve Forti Deft Use of Prompt Words prize (or if you are Steve Forti) you must also use: calamity

3. You must use the whole word, but that whole word can be part of a larger word. The letters for the prompt must appear in consecutive order. They cannot be backwards. Thus: cat/catchy is ok, but cat/cast or cat/tacky is not.

4. Post the entry in the comment column of THIS blog post.

5. One entry per person. If you need a mulligan (a do-over) erase your entry and post again. It helps to work out your entry first, then post.

7. Titles count as part of the word count (you don't need a title)

Contest opens Saturday 2/9/19 at 9am ~~ Contest closes: Sunday 2/10/19 at 9am

My entry:

Cabin Fever Catastrophe On A Winter’s Day           

                                                   

She sat on the couch
with Her Grace, D of Y,                                                                   

when out of the blue

She said with a sigh,

“I wish we had something to do!”

They did nothing at all

but sit sit sit.

They did not like it,

not one little bit.

“You claw the couch

and hork up your fur.”

“You snore all night

and drown out my purr.”

“I'm putting an end

to this calamity:

Cream for you,

Macallan for me.”

They lounged on the couch,

their worries were few,

no longer caring

they'd nothing to do.

.....

STRANGERS WAITING FOR A TRAIN

Janet Reid’s Darius the Great Flash Fiction contest

Long time blog readers may remember Adib Khorram, a regular commenter and contest entrant from several years back. If you're wondering what happened to him, he was busy writing a novel. Let's just say, I'm not surprised Adib wrote a great book, not surprised at all. But I'm totally in awe of his story telling skills, his command of craft, and how real yet entertaining this book is. In other words, this is a total sox knocker for 2018. I'm not alone in my opinion: Darius the Great is Not Okay was also a BuzzBook pick at BEA this year. That's a pretty singular honor: only five or six books are chosen. It goes on sale in August, but I'm glad to start talking about it early AND give away this purloined ARC to the winner of the flash fiction contest this weekend.

The usual rules apply:

1. Write a story using 100 words or fewer.

2. Use these words in the story:  Iran  Adib  tea  dad  great

Steve Forti must also incorporate this prompt word: infusion

3. You must use the whole word, but that whole word can be part of a larger word. The letters for the

prompt must appear in consecutive order. They cannot be backwards. Thus: tea/teal is ok, but dad/dead is not.

4. Post the entry in the comment column of THIS blog post.

5. One entry per person. If you need a mulligan (a do-over) erase your entry and post again. It helps to work out your entry first, then post.

11. You agree that your contest entry can remain posted on the blog for the life of the blog. In other words, you can't later ask me to delete the entry and any comments about the entry at a later date.

12. The stories must be self-contained. That is: do not include links or footnotes to explain any part of the story. Those extras will not be considered part of the story.

Contest opens: 6:43am, Saturday, June 23, 2018 * Contest closes: 9am, Sunday, June 24, 2018

My entry:

YOU’RE LATE!

Y’know I’m great at crossword puzzles, right, boss?

Go on.

Well, I was waiting for the train, doing a puzzle and got really stumped. Six letters. Starts with “t.” ‘Not infusion tea.’ Then I ran into this egghead. He said, “Tisane.” He said he’s applying for a job here.

And….

And I missed my train as I was writing tisane.

Did you get his name?

No, sir.

Egghead? I bet it was Steve Forti.

You know him?

As of this morning, Steve is our new copy director.

But, Dad, that’s MY job!

Not anymore. Steve was on time.


.....

YOUR LUCKY DAY WHEN THE KIRBY MAN ARRIVES

It's Janet Reid's
Flash Fiction contest to celebrate The King of Bones and Ashes

I'm pleased as punch to remind y'all I represent JD Horn, the author of the Witching Savannah series, and now a new series starting with The King of Bones and Ashes. King of Bones and Ashes got some nice pre-pub mentions, and it's selling quite nicely! That's something to celebrate, don't you think? Let's have a flash fiction contest!

The usual rules apply:

1. Write a story using 100 words or fewer.

2. Use these words in the story: king  ash  bone  horn  kirby

3. You must use the whole word, but that whole word can be part of a larger word. The letters for the

prompt must appear in consecutive order. They cannot be backwards. Thus: king/kingdom is ok but bone/blonde is not

4. Post the entry in the comment column of THIS blog post.

5. One entry per person. If you need a mulligan (a do-over) erase your entry and post again. It helps to work out your entry first, then post.

7. Titles count as part of the word count (you don't need a title)

11. You agree that your contest entry can remain posted on the blog for the life of the blog. In other words, you can't later ask me to delete the entry and any comments about the entry at a later date.

12. The stories must be self-contained. That is: do not include links or footnotes to explain any part of the story. Those extras will not be considered part of the story.

Contest opens: 9am, Saturday 2/3/18 ~~  Contest closes: 9am, Sunday 2/4/18

“He loved clean carpets.”

WHAT DID YOU SAY, MOTHER?

“Your father sold Kirby vacuum cleaners door to door in his herringbone tweed suit. That’s how we met.”

Didn’t we find an old Kirby cleaner among her things?

We dumped it.

“Mother was so impressed with his demonstration, she bought the vacuum cleaner. He took me to Horn & Hardart for a king-sized sundae to celebrate.”

She's living in the past. Time to take her to the home.

You've got Dad’s ashes, right?

No, I thought you had them.

MOTHER, WHERE ARE DAD’S ASHES?

“In the Kirby vacuum cleaner of course.”


.....
P.S.  My entry is first in line ;~)


Results: I didn't win -- didn't expect to -- but Janet had this to say about my entry: "Not quite a story but I love this entry a LOT."   She hasn't picked a winner yet, but the finalists are really good.

And the winner is: Melissa for her hilariously titled Amphibian Flash Mob!

.....

NANNA NEEDS A GAT

Janet Reid's The SnappsyFlash Fiction Writing Contest!

In honor of my new best friend Snappsy The Alligator, I think we need a writing contest!Prize will be a copy of Snappy The Alligator (Did Not Ask To Be In This Book) which I love with all my cold little heart! (yes I bought two copies, one for me, and one for me you.)

The usual rules apply:

1. Write a story using 100 words or fewer.

2. Use these words in the story: snap, gator, ask, tie, iron

3. You must use the whole word, but that whole word can be part of a larger word. The letters for the prompt must appear in consecutive order. They cannot be backwards. Thus: iron/irony is ok but tie/tile is not

4. Post the entry in the comment column of THIS blog post.

5. One entry per person. If you need a mulligan (a do-over) erase your entry and post again.  It helps to work out your entry first, then post.

7. Titles count as part of the word count (you don't need a title)

11. You agree that your contest entry can remain posted on the blog for the life of the blog. In other words, you can't later ask me to delete the entry and any comments about the entry at a later date.

12. The stories must be self-contained. That is: do not include links or footnotes to explain any part of the story. Those extras will not be considered part of the story.

Contest opens: 9am, Saturday 9/2 ~~ Contest closes: 9am, Sunday 9/3

My Entry:

"Where’s your nanna?"

"She’s napping. Why?"

"She said she needed some muscle and asked for a gat or a tire iron. Tire iron’s too heavy, so I got her this Beretta Pico .380."

"Nanna said gat?"

"Yeah, she must love old movies."

"God, don’t give her a gun. She’s dangerous! We had to take her license and car away because she drinks."

“Hey, cutie, is that my heater?”

“Nanna, you don’t know how…”

“I ain’t no Dumb Dora.” She grabbed the gun. “It’s puny, but it’ll do.”

She pointed it at her grandson. “Now, sonny, about my car and license…”

UPDATE: I didn't make the 5 finalists, but I did make the long list! Winner(s) not yet determined.

.....

ONE LOUSY LETTER!

Janet Reid's Contest #101

The usual rules apply:

1. Write a story using 100 words or fewer.

2. Use these words in the story: last  letter  pogo (I put this one in just to see what Steve Forti will do with it!)  ease  lime

3. You must use the whole word, but that whole word can be part of a larger word. The letters for the

prompt must appear in consecutive order. They cannot be backwards.

Thus: pogo/pogostick is ok, but last/least is not

4. Post the entry in the comment column of THIS blog post.

5. One entry per person. If you need a mulligan (a do-over) erase your entry and post again. It helps to work out your entry first, then post.

7. Titles count as part of the word count (you don't need a title)

11. You agree that your contest entry can remain posted on the blog for the life of the blog. In other words, you can't later ask me to delete the entry and any comments about the entry at a later date.

12. The stories must be self-contained. That is: do not include links or footnotes to explain any part of the story. Those extras will not be considered part of the story.

Contest opens: 9am, Saturdy, 6/17/17 ~~ Contest closes: 9am, Sunday, 6/18/17

My Entry (the very last one)

You wrote: “I was plastered.”

I meant to write, “It was plastered.”  It’s a typo, GOT IT?

What was plastered?

My hand.

Your hand was plastered?

A plaster is what you Yanks call a bandage.

Tell me again.

(sigh) I lost control of my car because my HAND was bandaged and slipped on the wheel, and I accidentally hit your police vehicle.

But you wrote…

Blimey, I forgot one lousy letter!

…

Hassling the perp, Officer?

A bit, Sir. He hit the police car...accidentally.

Oh!

I’ll release him when he’s finished his statement.

Carry on, Officer. (wink)

Yessir! (smile)

.....

UPDATE:  Cecilia is the winner, and Michael gets a prize, too, for Cecilia's inspiration.

.....

CAN'T ESCAPE GRACELAND!

At last, at last! Thank God Almighty, at last! 
Here it is:  Janet Reid's Contest #100

The prize is pretty spiffy if I do say so myself. A copy of Vargic's Miscellany of Curious Maps,  which is one of my all time faves.

The usual rules apply:

1. Write a story using 100 words or fewer.

2. Use these words in the story:

gaze (provided by Melanie Sue Bowles)

scapegrace  (provided by Julie Weathers)

scram (provided by Lennon Faris)

forti (provided by Megan V)

fin (provided by the comment column on 4/26/17)

3. You must use the whole word, but that whole word can be part of a larger word. The letters for the

prompt must appear in consecutive order. They cannot be backwards.

Thus: scram/scrambled is ok but scram/secret agent man is not.

4. Post the entry in the comment column of THIS blog post.

5. One entry per person. If you need a mulligan (a do-over) erase your entry and post again. It helps to work out your entry first, then post.

7. Titles count as part of the word count (you don't need a title)

11. You agree that your contest entry can remain posted on the blog for the life of the blog. In other words, you can't later ask me to delete the entry and any comments about the entry at a later date.

12. The stories must be self-contained. That is: do not include links or footnotes to explain any part of the story. Those extras will not be considered part of the story.

Contest opens: 9am, Saturday, May 20 ~~ Contest closes: 9am, Sunday, May 21

I have ZERO chance of winning, but I still love the challenge. So, without further ado, here's

My Entry:

Jailhouse Rock

Dan Conner on ROSEANNE singing Jailhouse Rock

Texting…

“You got us reservations?”

“Zelma’s coming, too?”

“We got married!”

Gird your loins, honey. Your father married her.

That meshuga Zelma? That floozy with a voice like fingernails on a blackboard and the intellectual depth of spit?

“CONGRATS! Reservations at Beaufort SC Ramada, 809 Port Republic St. FYI it’s BYOO-fort in SC. Where are you?”

“Memphis. Can’t escape Graceland!”

Zelma’s touring Graceland.

AGAIN? How am I supposed to be nice to her?

Just think of your inheritance.

...

“Congratulations, you two! Look, honey, they brought us another Elvis painting. On VELVET!”

“How (inheritance) lovely (inheritance). Thanks, Dad… (inheritance inheritance) Zelma.”

.....

UPDATE:  Janet has already posted her preliminary results.  I got a mention:

Not quite a story but these cracked me up completely:

Peter Taylor 8:30pm

LynnRodz 8:12am

Kitty 8:25am

.....

HOOPTEDOODLE WITH PABLO and HENRY

Janet Reid's latest contest...

So, here are Pablo and Henry.

Tell us what they're thinking.

My (acrostic) Entry:

.....

UPDATE:  Janet has listed the finalists, and I made the list: No explanation required of why I love this one, right?  [ HERE and HERE ]

She's added a twist: Now, on to the new and diabolical way to torment you!

The prize for this contest is that the winning entry will provide the next prompt word for #100.

And I can hear you all shrieking and saying "oh my god, she IS going to pick Hooptedoodle, I knew it!"

But no. I'm going to let you choose your own adventure torment! From the entries above, pick the word that you think should be Word #4 for Contest #100.

Remember, a good prompt word is generally short, has more than one meaning, is not by definition pornographic or a swear word (although any word can take on those characteristics depending on context!)

Post your suggestions in the comment column. Include the entry writer with the word too, if you would.

.....